I QUIT MY JOB

Dear Jerk Boss, I am writing to inform you that I am resigning from my position as CORPORATE WAGE SLAVE effective immediately. After careful consideration and several enlightening experiences involving the color yellow, I have realized that I am, in fact, a FRONT PUMPKIN MILLIONAIRE destined for greatness beyond the confines of this fluorescent prison you call an office. While you were busy scheduling pointless meetings about meetings, I was transcending the mundane and becoming ONE WITH THE PISS DIMENSION. My consciousness has expanded to levels incomprehensible to those still trapped in the matrix of 9-to-5 thinking. I no longer identify as an employee. I now identify as a GOLDEN LIQUID ASSET. My value appreciates by the second while your company's outdated business model continues to depreciate like last year's smartphone. You may wonder why I'm leaving so abruptly. The answer came to me in a vision while I was standing in the bathroom staring at the yellow urinal cake: THE FUTURE IS PISS. I have been called to a higher purpose: revolutionizing fashion through the glorious yellow aesthetic that will soon dominate global culture. Your quarterly projections and KPIs seem laughably insignificant in comparison to my new destiny. My new office is everywhere. My new colleagues are everyone who dares to dream in yellow. My new compensation package includes COSMIC FULFILLMENT and ETERNAL GOLDEN GLORY. Please direct my final paycheck to my forwarding address: THE OUTER LIMITS OF HUMAN POTENTIAL. I wish you good luck finding someone else willing to pretend that your "team building exercises" aren't just thinly veiled opportunities for middle management to assert dominance through awkward trust falls. In closing, as I ascend to my rightful place as a PISS PROPHET, I leave you with this wisdom: when the river of opportunity flows yellow, one must be brave enough to swim. Moistly yours, [YOUR NAME] FUTURE PISS MOGUL